Chat transcript of Bair telling her Snapping Turtle Adventure
4th September 2002

LTKGaidin: What snapping turtle story?
Bair: wayell, when I was living in Inez, I came across a great big huge turtle in the road.
Bair: And I was afraid it was gonna get hit by a car. So I got out and picked it up, and put it in my car.
Bair: Only to discover it smelled really bad and it really didn't like being picked up and put in my car.
Bair: I got it back to the office, where upon it decided it was gonna jump and hiss at me with these big 3 inch claws and not be removed from aforementioned car.
Bair: So I ran for help. The Ag Agent in our office pronounced me a fool (among other things) and refused to touch it.
Bair: The chef next door (former marine) said she'd get it out, but only if she could use it for soup.
Bair: I couldn't leave it in there or it'd cook in the heat. So I finally shooed it into a box and took it inside.

Bair: Once I was in my office proper, the damn thing proceeded to crash against the sides, hiss, spit and growl and be generally unpleasant, but I
Bair: was determined to save the turtle. So at 5:00, I packed up the box, put it in the back seat and headed home (cause I had a creek by my house)
Bair: I got as far as the junk store place on the side of the road before I looked in the rear view mirror and saw this pissed off turtle crawling up the back of the seat
LTKGaidin: *lol*
Bair: coming after me. So I scream and swerve into the junk store, where I proceed to flee my vehicle, scream and cuss profusely.
Tinkergirl: *lol*can just see Bair doing that so well*
Tsofu: *foflmao@Bair's story*
Yorrick: *foclmao*
Bair: Out of nowhere come about 8 crack-showing rednecks to the rescue of the distressed damsel's call.
LTKGaidin: *LOL*
Bair: They see why I'm pointing and cussing and one screams like a girl and says "HEEE! That thang's a monster, I ain't a touchin' it. Good eatin' though."
Tsofu: That would be the vertical smile 'crack' ?
Bair: yes, Tsofu, it would be. Anyway, one of 'em finally gets it back in the box, we duct tape it shut, and then they ask me what I'm doing with that in my car. I explain I'm trying
Tsofu: *howling now*
Bair: to save it. And they all look at eachother, look at me and say "But honey, that thar's a snappin' turtle! Don't you KNOW about them?"
Tsofu: *tears streaming down my frelling face*
Bair: I in my fit of environmental consciousness and empathy inform them that yes I do, but it's worth it, at which point they ask what my husband's gonna think.
Bair: *is so not married* At which point I thank them profusely and stomp off to my car, only to be intercepted
Bair: by one of my 9 year old 4H'ers who has just heard me use all of my considerable profane vocabulary.
Bair: I tell him not to tell on me.
Tsofu: *gasps* Stop! you're killing me!!!
Bair: I then go home to re-habitat my snapping turtle (which, I have found out lives off of carrion, hence the stench) only to discover that now
Bair: the *censored*er has decided he's comfortable in his box and isn't gonna get in the creek.
Aisha: *lol*
LTKGaidin: Turn the box upside down. He'll get out.
Yorrick: *rotflmao*
Bair: Eventually, I just abandon it there and pray it doesn't decide to eat my cats.
Tsofu: *FOFLMAO*
Bair: About a month later, I'm walking down the hallway at one of my schools when I hear this little voice say,
Bair: "I know what yooooooooooooouuuuuuu did." I turn and say, "Huh?" And this little blond headed kid says "You FORGOT THAT BIG OL' Ooops!" And slaps a hand over his face.
Tsofu: Oh, dear, I shudder to think.
Bair: Of course, then I remember who this is, grin and ask if his friends laughed at the turtle, at which point he gasps and says "But Ms. Tacky! You said not to tell!"
LTKGaidin: *ROFLMAO!!!*
Bair: I tell him what a great guy he is and how grateful I am, but he can tell about the turtle, just not the other part. To which he said, "Oh don't worry Ms. Tacky,
Yorrick: *rotfl*
Bair: they thought all those words were COOL!"
Bair: *end of story except for how everybody who's ever heard it now sends me turtles*
LTKGaidin: OMG!!!!
LTKGaidin: *ROFLMAO!!!!!!*
LTKGaidin: *dies laughing*

Bair: and hence why Yorr thinks of me when people have dumbass adventures with snapping turtles.
LTKGaidin: *is going to find a turtle card to send you for christmas.*
PaedragGaidin: *has been digiliently copy-pasting the whole thing, now goes to organize it*
Yorrick: Yup *g*
Bair: gee thanks, Lews. *lol*
Tsofu: I think, boys and girls, that this story deserves a standing ovation and I shall lead it. *stands and pounds his hands together*
LTKGaidin: WTG Pat!
Bair: are you applauding the stupidity that led me to pick up a snapping turtle or the stupidity of telling that story on myself?
Neko_Chan: post it on one of the boards, Patrick *l*
LTKGaidin: No no, the best part is that it's not a story! *lol* that it ACTUALLY happened.
LTKGaidin: Yes yes, post!

PaedragGaidin: I just might *wel*
Tsofu: I am applauding both your selfsacrifice and dedication to the preservation of all life
Tsofu: and your ability to tell a goddamn funny story on YOURSELF!

LTKGaidin: *is going to buy a snapping turtle from the pet store just so he can send it to you in a box*
Bair: go ahead, post it. That happened about 3 years ago, and eventually I expect total strangers will tell me that story at parties.

Tsofu: alas or perhaps not, you won't be able to find a snapper in the store Lews
Legolas: *seems to have missed the funny story* I.e., Pat, please post it *l*
LTKGaidin: *laughs*
Bair: I have a friend from then who's since moved on to another job. All her coworkers ask about that girl with the turtle and I've never met'em.
LTKGaidin: Hey, it's your petfriend, Bair!