What snapping turtle story?
Bair: wayell, when I
was living in Inez, I came across a great big huge turtle in the road.
Bair: And I was afraid it was gonna get hit
by a car. So I got out and picked it up, and put it in my car.
Bair: Only to discover it smelled really
bad and it really didn't like being picked up and put in my car.
Bair: I got it back to the office, where
upon it decided it was gonna jump and hiss at me with these big 3 inch
claws and not be removed from aforementioned car.
Bair: So I ran for help. The Ag Agent in
our office pronounced me a fool (among other things) and refused to touch
Bair: The chef next door (former marine)
said she'd get it out, but only if she could use it for soup.
Bair: I couldn't leave it in there or it'd
cook in the heat. So I finally shooed it into a box and took it inside.
Bair: Once I was in my office proper, the
damn thing proceeded to crash against the sides, hiss, spit and growl
and be generally unpleasant, but I
Bair: was determined to save the turtle.
So at 5:00, I packed up the box, put it in the back seat and headed home
(cause I had a creek by my house)
Bair: I got as far as the junk store place
on the side of the road before I looked in the rear view mirror and saw
this pissed off turtle crawling up the back of the seat
Bair: coming after me. So I scream and swerve
into the junk store, where I proceed to flee my vehicle, scream and cuss
just see Bair doing that so well*
Bair: Out of nowhere come about 8 crack-showing
rednecks to the rescue of the distressed damsel's call.
Bair: They see why I'm pointing and cussing
and one screams like a girl and says "HEEE! That thang's a monster,
I ain't a touchin' it. Good eatin' though."
Tsofu: That would be
the vertical smile 'crack' ?
Bair: yes, Tsofu, it would be. Anyway, one
of 'em finally gets it back in the box, we duct tape it shut, and then
they ask me what I'm doing with that in my car. I explain I'm trying
Tsofu: *howling now*
Bair: to save it. And they all look at eachother,
look at me and say "But honey, that thar's a snappin' turtle! Don't
you KNOW about them?"
Tsofu: *tears streaming
down my frelling face*
Bair: I in my fit of environmental consciousness
and empathy inform them that yes I do, but it's worth it, at which point
they ask what my husband's gonna think.
Bair: *is so not married* At which point
I thank them profusely and stomp off to my car, only to be intercepted
Bair: by one of my 9 year old 4H'ers who
has just heard me use all of my considerable profane vocabulary.
Bair: I tell him not to tell on me.
Tsofu: *gasps* Stop!
you're killing me!!!
Bair: I then go home to re-habitat my snapping
turtle (which, I have found out lives off of carrion, hence the stench)
only to discover that now
Bair: the *censored*er has decided he's comfortable
in his box and isn't gonna get in the creek.
LTKGaidin: Turn the
box upside down. He'll get out.
Bair: Eventually, I just abandon it there
and pray it doesn't decide to eat my cats.
Bair: About a month later, I'm walking down
the hallway at one of my schools when I hear this little voice say,
Bair: "I know what yooooooooooooouuuuuuu
did." I turn and say, "Huh?" And this little blond headed
kid says "You FORGOT THAT BIG OL' Ooops!" And slaps a hand over
Tsofu: Oh, dear, I
shudder to think.
Bair: Of course, then I remember who this
is, grin and ask if his friends laughed at the turtle, at which point
he gasps and says "But Ms. Tacky! You said not to tell!"
Bair: I tell him what a great guy he is and
how grateful I am, but he can tell about the turtle, just not the other
part. To which he said, "Oh don't worry Ms. Tacky,
Bair: they thought all those words were COOL!"
Bair: *end of story except for how everybody
who's ever heard it now sends me turtles*
LTKGaidin: *dies laughing*
Bair: and hence why Yorr thinks of me when
people have dumbass adventures with snapping turtles.
LTKGaidin: *is going
to find a turtle card to send you for christmas.*
been digiliently copy-pasting the whole thing, now goes to organize it*
Yorrick: Yup *g*
Bair: gee thanks, Lews. *lol*
Tsofu: I think, boys
and girls, that this story deserves a standing ovation and I shall lead
it. *stands and pounds his hands together*
LTKGaidin: WTG Pat!
Bair: are you applauding the stupidity that
led me to pick up a snapping turtle or the stupidity of telling that story
Neko_Chan: post it
on one of the boards, Patrick *l*
LTKGaidin: No no, the
best part is that it's not a story! *lol* that it ACTUALLY happened.
LTKGaidin: Yes yes, post!
PaedragGaidin: I just
Tsofu: I am applauding
both your selfsacrifice and dedication to the preservation of all life
Tsofu: and your ability to tell a goddamn
funny story on YOURSELF!
LTKGaidin: *is going
to buy a snapping turtle from the pet store just so he can send it to
you in a box*
Bair: go ahead, post it. That happened about
3 years ago, and eventually I expect total strangers will tell me that
story at parties.